Peak-ing

Songs of You of This

I started a playlist and let it run. Songs of You, of This. Suddenly I am transported to another time and place. Where the sun shines eternally and everything is fresh and new. Friendships that seem destined, love that's just blossoming. And one glorious word encompassing all.

Possibility

Hunching my shoulders forward, I react gratefully to the melodies in my ears. Each one unlocking a hundred memories. Kind words, deep discussions, even tarot readings. My heart lurches hungrily, painfully at key moments, tunes, rhythms. Grasping memories that feel almost physical. They weigh me down and lift me up intermittently.

Comfort

I find comfort in the plucking of guitar strings, the beating of drums, the ever gorgeous hums of the cello. Each song I've heard a dozen, fifty, a hundred times. Each time feels like the first. I shouldn't be surprised. Spring is around the corner. I know what this means.

I'm twitterpated.

Loving Life

I’m not sure what’s holding
Me together anymore
The smallest things tear me
Down I’m tender to the core

I feel things happening all
Around me calling me in close
Blinding though is my desire to
Cling to that which matters most

I’ve learned that fun is still
Possible when I feel so low
Loving life is still attainable
Yes thankfully this I know

So push that pain yet further
Down and lift your head high
Hold on to the fact that the
Pain’s almost over relief is nigh.

To Quote Kelly Clarkson...

My life would suck without you.

White Noise

There’s an awful churning in my gut
Like I’m hungry
But I’m not hungry.

My heart feels stretched so thin
Like it’s been scraped
Over too vast an expanse.

It’s so confusing flip-flopping
From one feeling
Then to another.

One minute I’m bursting,
Hopeful, cheerful,
The next I’m only alone.

I need an escape now,
A quick release,
To pick the pieces back up.

When I know what I want,
What’s right,
The solitude becomes too much.

But hold on I must
For a time,
A place where I’ll feel at home.

If I just stay patient
The unmatched rewards
Will far outweigh the white noise.

A Look Back...

At 2009

I have never really done a year in review or anything like that, but here goes. The happy moments, the sad ones, the feats and the memories:

In 2009...

10. I read 55 books, and began a 56th.
9. My favorite students threw me a goodbye party
8. I sledded in the Alps (as 2008 became 2009)
7. I toured Edinburgh, London, Budapest, Bruges, Amsterdam, Paris, Brussels, Milan, Vienna, and Glasgow
6. I fell in love with a school and a country
5. Matthew came to France
4. We lost Louis and got Henry
3. I had a special visitor all of September
2. I met Matthew, and fell in love
1. I got to live another year of love, life and joy with the 4 (and now 5) people who mean the most.

The Almost-Christmas

If this is the time to be with the people you love, I'm only 4/5.

On My State of Being

Did you ever think it would be like this?
I dreamed it would, but did I really know?
The answers we may never find,
But perhaps I don’t even need them.

Reminiscent of another age

Remix

I'm feeling rather torn
Disjointed
Not knowing what
To do

And you would too.

My heart says one thing
My head
Well it says
Different

Nothing's etched in cement.

Maybe I should just
Go for
It the thing I truly
Desire

I do indeed aspire.

There is a good
Beginning
Here I'm getting rather
Strong

And yet it takes so long.

If it were up
to me
Well then I'd be sprinting
to you

Straight 'til you're in view.

But it is, up to me
That is
So maybe I should adjust
My mind

Stop waiting for a clearer sign.

It's time to seize my life it's
time
I'm tired of putting it on
Hold

I choose today to start growing old.

With you.

I Love Us

This week marks 8 months
That we have been us.
It's gone by fast,
But the separations
Go by so slow.

Learning to still have fun
While apart is like
Trying to breathe
Underwater, nevertheless
I'll do my best.

Love's my light in a
Sea of shadows,
Hold on tight I'm
Coming I'm running
As Fast as I can.

Toxic

My poison courses all around,
Spreading warmly through my veins,
Tracing its terror from my heart
And slowly back again.

No more will I infect you all,
Those who care and watch over me.
Instead I will hide it deep and away,
Protect you from the toxic sea.

They carry the precious antidote
In the palms of their tiny open hands,
Needing, wanting me to have it,
Kindly and freely offering and—

I stretch so long and far with all
The strength that I possess
I—reach, sometimes even catch it,
Salvation from the constant unrest.

But this is only for a moment
For all alone again, consumed
I wade in dark and murky waters
The bulk of my life in an empty room.

Iseut (English Translation)

From the moment of the potion’s touch
Delicate fingers rise to brush
Her quivering lips, light clearing the dim
A fresh pain she senses, the love of him

She sees in his eyes, calm before the storm
So deep are they, so courageous and warm
He renders Brown beautiful as never before
Giving life to the color that’s always ignored.

Circumstance fights with all its force
Nature wrestles with strength and resource
The Elements whirl about in aggression

But nothing can erase her undying passion
She loves him despite Them despite great distance
Love the victor, for them, pleasure’s ever immense.

Just Ask June

There’s no reason I shouldn’t be mad as hell,
Screaming at the gods or brewing a spell,
There’s no reason I shouldn’t shake my fists,
Drowning in endless planning and lists.

There’s no reason I shouldn’t curse the Earth,
Shouting profanities, for what they’re worth,
There’s no reason I shouldn’t just let go,
Let chance take me places I cannot yet know.

There’s no reason I shouldn’t cry every night,
Aching in agony, writhing in spite,
There’s no reason I shouldn’t just give in,
Allowing these burdens the hard earned win.

But I won’t ever let these things be so,
Or turn my back on what I surely know,
That you are the reason I’ll suffer it all
No matter how fast or how often I fall.

Instead I say let’s dive right in, head first,
Together I know we can conquer the worst
Of the hardships in life or the problems we’ll face,
Our epic love spans through time and through space.

So ignore them, those who told you to pause,
Keep the dream alive, believe in the cause,
The brevity of life should keep us going,
Not stopping for anything, always knowing

That the message is clear and has been all along
In all of our poems and in every song,
Our time is our own, so I say make haste and
Sing out: Let’s go, time’s a wastin’!

9-24-09

It’s one of those things
People expect you’ll just
Bounce
Right back, but you can’t.

They just don’t understand
Even if they do
They don’t.
It’s almost ineffable

The hurt we feel without him,
Two weeks later
Here I am crying all over
Again, I can’t stop

The world without him
Feels even more alone,
As if that were possible
Especially now, but somehow

It is.

The Spice to My Sugar

There is this girl
I know so well
And you, you know
Her too she’s
Always dance dance dancing
Life away with
Little to slow
Her down swirling
Whirling round
And round and
Round and

Well-
Perhaps that
Is
Just the way
She wants
You to see her
She
Can’t stop-
For a minute or
All falls
Apart she
Depends on
Me, depends on
Us.

She has a heart
Of gold, of gold
You know
She cares so much
It makes her cry
The tough exterior
And carefree way
Are merely guises
For the fragile
Soul that lies
Within and

So-
She’ll keep on
Keep on dancing
And try
Her very best
To be brave she
Keeps on keeps on
Dance
Dance dancing
Until she finds
The one
Brave enough to
Catch
Her.

Choppy Constance

Being apart gives me the constant sensation
That something is stuck on the tip of my tongue
Like there’s something I’ve forgotten to say
Or an important story left untold

It’s like losing my keys or even forgetting
An important meeting I meant to attend,
That clenching in the pit of my stomach,
Shoulders tense to remind me that

You aren’t here to talk to me, and
To make me feel at ease in life,
Showing me all that I want is right here.

I can only sigh, attempt, fail to relax,
Because the dull pain I always feel
Is the lack of you, and that, alone.

Full Circle

Once there was a little girl
Who thought she'd go and see the world,
But little did she know the suprise
Awaiting her warm and bright blue eyes.

She saw great wonders in the Pope's home,
Went to Florence to catch a glimpse of the dome.
She climbed the peaks of Switzerland,
And even viewed gifts for Mitterrand.

She heard the ringing of Big Ben,
Learned tales of ghosts in Edinburgh then
She marveled at the chateaux in Perigord,
And listened to endless French folklore.

She tasted splendors in Ankara,
Explored the entire Alhambra,
She danced the tango in B.A.,
Went to Versailles to see the palais.

She visited the Marché de Noel,
So much she knew she'd have to tell
To those whom she had left behind
When she had known they wouldn't mind.

And what she learned she did not expect
Despite her marvelous intellect,
That the home that she had left one fall
Was the place that she loved most of all.

The Lack of You

It's a wonder what the heart can survive.

The (Un)attainable

2 a.m., I’m wide awake again, with
Warm butterflies for company
After months and months and here I am
Tingles rise to phantom boiling points.

It’s not supposed to be like this
At least it never was before
My swelling vessels, tightened lungs
Tugging me in apparent reverse.

But I’m no fool, clear skies ahead
I’ll not forsake the whimsy yet
‘Tis but proof once and for all, it’s
Possible to catch a snowflake.